Miscellaneous musings from the perspective of a lefty (both senses) atheist with a warped sense of humor.

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Location: Madison, WI, United States

I am a geek, but I do have some redeeming social skills. I love other people's dogs, cats, and kids. Snow sucks, but I'm willing to put up with it just to live in Madison.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

The Sacred Book of Kush

How To Use The Sacred Book of Kush

Keep a copy with you. When confronted by a religious fanatic quoting the Bible, pull out The Sacred Book of Kush and ask what the difference is. You will notice that The Sacred Book of Kush has everything that the Bible has, including circular reasoning, extravagant and unfounded claims, threats and promises (both equally unlikely ever to be fulfilled), arrogance, jealousy, stupidity, and sales pitches for the priesthood. It also has two things the Bible doesn't: a sense of humor and a merciful brevity.

The Sacred Book of Kush

Chapter 1

1This sacred book was revealed by Kush to his prophet, Rocko S. Fitch, who wrote it down word for word and added the punctuation later. 2This book is absolutely 100% completely true, and if you fail to believe any part of it, you will be cursed forever by an itchy spot in the middle of your back right where you can't scratch.

Chapter 2

1Kush is the supreme being — all-knowing, all-powerful, all-present, immortal, and a pretty decent guy once you get to know him.

Chapter 3

1Kush created the entire universe and all the laws that make it work (such as 1 + 1 = 2). 2This doesn't include the laws of economics; even Kush doesn't understand how they work.

Chapter 4

1Kush points out that all the stuff you hear about this so-called supreme being, God (alias Yahweh, Elohim, Allah, Ahura Mazda, etc.), is simply a fraud perpetrated by people who ought to know better. 2Don't believe a word of it. 3Kush is the one and only original supreme being.

Chapter 5

1Some of you will itch in perpetual torment. 2Kush knows who. 3For only $10 American, paid to his prophet, Rocko S. Fitch, Kush will tell you if you're included.

The Sacred Symbol of Kush

Chapter 6

1Kush answers all prayers. 2The most common answers are "yes", "no", "maybe", "it depends", and "not for you, Saddam".

Chapter 7

1Kush has set an invisible pink unicorn (IPU) in the middle of your dining-room table to watch over you. 2Skeptics will arise who will doubt the existence of the IPU; they will itch.

Chapter 8

1Kush can peer deep into the future to discern miraculous events far beyond the ken of mortal man. 2For example, the Mets will win the 1969 World Series. 3You probably don't even understand these words, but trust Kush; it's gonna happen.

Chapter 9

1If you lead a reasonably good life, Kush will take care of you. 2That's if you don't do one of the three things that are guaranteed to make Kush awfully mad at you. 3Remember not to do any of these three things, ever! 4Boy, will you be sorry if you do!

Chapter 10

1Many people have written in asking "How exactly will I know Kush when I meet him?". 2That's easy. 3You can't see him, hear him, smell, taste, or feel him. 4When you meet someone who matches that description, that's Kush. 5He's one of a kind. 6Accept no substitutes.

Only Known Photograph of Kush

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