That Deep, Personal Relationship with Jesus Christ

"I have a deep, personal relationship with Jesus Christ."

Do you gag as much as I do at hearing this pious crap?

I've known my sister for over 6 decades. Altho I live in Madison, WI, and she lives in Denver, CO, so we only see each other every couple of years, I can tell you:
 • how tall she is.
 • what color her eyes are.
 • what color and how curly her hair is.
 • the different kinds of prescription drugs she takes, and what for.
 • which parts of her have been operated on.
 • which colleges she attended.
 • what jobs she's held.
 • what cities she's lived in.
 • what her hobbies are.
 • the names and breeds of the various dogs and cats she's had thru the years.
 • her favorite sports teams, and which one she has season tickets for.
 • the TV programs she watches regularly.
 • that it's her on the phone just from the sound of her voice.
 • her att¡tude toward eating meat.
 • whom she voted for in the last presidential election.
 • what kind of medical care she wants in case of a terminal illness.
 • her favorite color.
 • and about 50 other things.

Now that's a personal relationship. Could any of you Bible-thumpers manage even half a dozen comparable answers about your "deep, personal friend" Jesus? And, even assuming your overwrought imagination could in fact gin up a few stabs at them, what are chances that they'd agree with any other equally deluded True Believer? OTOH, you could ask any of my sister's other good friends about the above characteristics, and they'd give you the exact same answers I would. That's because my sister, unlike your Jesus, is real — a 3-dimensional, flesh-and-blood, living, breathing, real-world human being, with a life, preferences, substance, and history.

So, Mr. or Ms. True Believer, let's say you're walking across library mall one day, you see your good buddy Jesus in a crowd of folks ahead of you, and you holler "Hey, J, dude, wait up!". Would he?

Let's not kid ourselves. This would never even happen because there's no way you'd be able to pick Jesus out of a crowd. Heck, you couldn't pick him out of a 1-person lineup. You wouldn't know him if he walked up to you on the street and handed you his business card. (In fact, it would tickle me pink to see your reaction if somebody actually did exactly that.)

So we both know exactly what your claim to have a "deep, personal relationship with Jesus Christ" is. It's bullsh¡t. You know it's bullsh¡t. Everybody else knows it's bullsh¡t. The only reason you keep on repeating this bullsh¡t is because it's the slogan of the club that some con artist or charlatan has suckered you into believing you really want to be a member of. All you have to do is keep repeating the magic bullsh¡t phrase "I have a deep, personal relationship with Jesus Christ" and you can keep going to the club meetings. (Provided you keep paying the dues, too; let's not forget what's really important here.)

But don't think that repeating that phrase is going to win you anything but contempt or possibly some degree of pity from anyone with a functioning brain. All you're really demonstrating is that you don't know diddly about real relationships or the way the real world really works. You are, in short, a pathetic dupe. And full of bullsh¡t, to boot.


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"Atheism is not a religion, it's a personal relationship with reality." — Dr. Dave, 2010 July 1