Nose Tampons

In the last couple of days, I’ve learned that the human body does indeed comprise mainly water — enuf water, in fact, to soggify an entire box of 2-ply tissues as it’s continually excreted from the nose and eyes.

Yes, it’s the dreaded winter cold. And I’m reminded of the old medical maxim that a cold, aggressively treated with the latest developments in modern medicine, will go away in only a week; whereas, if it’s left to run its natural course, it will linger on as long as 7 days.

But my continual recourse to boxes of tissues — sometimes just barely in time to catch a sudden runnel, sometimes just a tad too late — finally made me think that there had to be a better way. “How else could one staunch a slow, steady flow of bodily fluids?” I wondered.

And then it hit me: nose tampons.

Why hasn’t anyone come up with this before?

Now, I know what you’re thinking. People would look silly walking around with 2 little strings dangling down across their upper lips. Not to worry. Nose tampons would come in pairs, so they could be strung together like idiot mittens and form a little loop from nostril to nostril. Then they’d look vaguely like the white cord that leads from your iPod to your earbuds, and you could pretend you were cool. Who knows, somebody might actually buy it.

Some people might object that regular tampons are effective in part because they don’t interfere with the vital process of breathing. But this is inconsequential. Face it (as I’ve done of late): You weren’t breathing thru your stopped-up nose anyway, you were breathing thru your mouth. No dif.

Now, I myself am not an entrepreneur. Somebody else is gonna have to take up the challenge of implementing this idea, coming up with a brand name (Notex? Naspax?), manufacturing the critters, and marketing them. All I ask is a small royalty, say a penny a pair. And a lifetime supply of the product.

I figure I’ll make enuf money in the 1st year alone to move to Hawaii, where I’ll never have to use my own brainstorm again.