Righty-to-English Pocket Dictionary

You know how, if you’re a tourist and somebody says “bienvenu” to you, you can whip out your French-to-English dictionary and look up that it means “welcome”? Well, it’s the same deal with right-wing phraseology: It’s a language all its own. So, in an effort to promote better communication in American politics, here’s a start on a handy right-winger-to-normal-English dictionary:

fake news = honest reporting

enemy of the people = free press

alternative facts = lies

tort reform = corporate protection bill

tax relief = billionaire enhancement program

right to work = kill unions

healthy forests initiative = chop down more trees

clear skies act = no more birds

patriot act = civil liberties farewell tour

patriot = vigilante

dangerous criminal element = young black men

cost-effective corrections = for-profit prisons

enhanced interrogation techniques = torture

judicial activists = judges who’ve read the Constitution

secure elections = voter suppression

chain migration = family reunification

invaders = asylum seekers

rapists and murderers = Mexicans

security threats = Canadians

decisive leaders = authoritarian dictators

good people = racists and fascists

abstinence education = sexual ignorance

no child left behind = standardized testing for all

Satanic mind-rotting plot = evolution

just some egghead’s opinion = science

religious liberty = Christian fundamentalism for all

values voters = shameless self-righteous hypocrites

clean coal = dirty coal

world’s greatest hoax = climate change

that which may not be spoken = climate change

[obscenity redacted] = climate change

health-care system = health-insurance jungle

health-care plan = don’t get sick, or die quickly

Stalinism = Obamacare

Benghazi = Pearl Harbor

people = corporations

speech = money

peace = war

slavery = freedom

strength = ignorance

This list is still under construction. Additions welcome.