My Plan for Peace in the Middle East
By Richard S. Russell • 2006 July 28
Boy, the Middle East is a mess. Can't anybody DO something about it? Glad you asked. I just happen to have the solution.
1st we analyze the problem. What's causing all the ruckus? Answer: nobody knows! Everybody's just acting on old animosities and grudges that have built up over the course of centuries and millennia. They've all long since forgotten who threw the 1st stone. Now it's just 1 act of revenge after another.
So the obvious solution is to get these folx a set of nabors with whom they DON'T have a long, nasty history. This leads to my proposal: the Enemy Exchange.
Here's how it works. We'll move all the Palestinians to Northern Ireland, and all the Protestants in Ireland to the West Bank. ("What about the Gaza Strip?", you're probably wondering. We'll just let that revert to the scorpions. It was never fit for human habitation in the 1st place.)
The Palestinians will obviously think this is a good deal, since they will never have seen so much water in their entire lives. Conversely, you might think that the Ulstermen would have some reservations about leaving the Emerald Isle, but think about it for a bit. "Emerald" means green. Green means Catholic. But the Protestants are Orange thru and thru. And what will they find starting about 10 metres from the banks of the Jordan? Orange! Orange rocks. Orange sand. Orange dust covering everything they own. Why, they'll think they've died and gone to ... well, you know.
Despite what a good deal this is, there will undoubtedly be some who won't want to take advantage of it. For them, I propose the Harry Truman solution. No, not THAT Harry Truman. I mean the old coot who lived on the side of Mount Saint Helens and refused to leave the spot where'd he'd spent his entire life just because of a little puffing and grumbling from the ground. And he didn't, either! He's still there, under something like 2-3 metres of hardened lava. So let people stay as long as they want, while always holding out the promise of a free relocation whenever they come to their senses.
Once they arrive in their new homes, they'll find themselves looking over the fence at their new nabors and, I believe, will come rapidly to the conclusion immortalized by Muhammad Ali when facing the draft: "I ain't got nothin' against them Congs!" And all will live in peace and harmony.
"But how will we pay for all this?", you may be asking. Aha, here's the beauty part. It'll be completely self-financing! We'll cover the entire cost with the oil revenues from Northern Ireland. Of course, during the brief transitional period -- just a little while till we get over the hump, you understand -- the United States will step in and magnanimously cover all the expenses. No, no, don't thank ME for this. I freely admit that I swiped this excellent idea from the Bush Administration's brilliant innovation of it in Iraq, where it continues to work wonderfully well to this very day.
Next stop for the Enemy Exchange Express: The Tamils of Sri Lanka traded for the Sunnis of Baghdad, a 4th-round pick in next year's draft, and a player to be named later.
Note to the Nobel Committee: I can usually be reached at home, but please don't call before 10 AM. Thinking as hard as I do to come up with inspirations like this means I need my rest. Thank you, and looking forward to hearing from you.